


How Can You Know? (If You’ve Never Tried)

by mean_whale



Series: Uncertainty [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Body Image, Coming Out, First Kiss, Getting Together, Insecurity, Kissing, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Nervousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-24
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:15:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26091742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mean_whale/pseuds/mean_whale
Summary: Peter is questioning his sexuality. He hopes that Remus can help him find answers.
Relationships: Remus Lupin/Peter Pettigrew
Series: Uncertainty [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2149173
Comments: 10
Kudos: 21





	How Can You Know? (If You’ve Never Tried)

The dorm felt eerily quiet when it was just him and Remus. James and Sirius were in detention, and for once, they hadn’t managed to somehow rope Peter in with them. Remus had an uncanny ability to avoid detention even when he had been in on the prank. Peter could never think quickly enough to do the same.

Remus was sitting cross-legged on his bed, reading a Potions textbook with a deep frown on his face. Peter wondered if he himself often wore a similar face while studying. Making sense of the theory books was hard work, and if he could have somehow avoided it, he wouldn’t have hesitated to do so.

But he wasn’t really thinking about his studies. He was thinking about Remus.

It wasn’t rare for him and Remus to be left on their own while James and Sirius trotted off somewhere. It wasn’t rare for James and Sirius to forget that Remus and Peter existed, although they did often remember Remus simply because Remus was a werewolf and therefore exciting. Peter was just Peter. Plain boy, not academically excellent. Fat.

Sometimes he wondered if James and Sirius were pulling a prank on him, a long-term thing that had taken them nearly six years so far. Convince him that he was a part of the group only to then drop him once he let his guard down. Sometimes he lay in bed at night, wondering how boys as handsome and smart as James Potter and Sirius Black had ever allowed him to trail after them, especially because they had allowed it long enough for them all to become friends.

He didn’t doubt that James and Sirius genuinely saw him as a friend. It was just that sometimes they forgot that the world didn’t revolve around the two of them. Sometimes they forgot that not all of them had the confidence and the looks to pull off the things they did.

Peter often wondered if Remus felt the same. Remus was just as mischievous as James and Sirius were, but he was also calmer and quieter, he wasn’t strikingly handsome, and he had to actually study to keep his good grades. Remus was like Peter but also very different, and Peter wondered if that difference was too much. Would they eventually drift apart? After Hogwarts, maybe, when they no longer inhabited the shared space of their dorm. James and Sirius would always remain close, but what they had was far different from what he and Remus had.

But that wasn’t what he was really thinking about. He was thinking about the fact that in the beginning of their fifth year, Remus had shyly confessed to them that during the summer he had kissed a boy and that he liked boys.

Peter had been surprised by how immediately accepting Sirius had been. James hadn’t exactly been unaccepting either, but he had cracked jokes and teased Remus about it until Sirius punched him in the shoulder and told him to shut it.

But really, Peter wasn’t thinking about Remus at all. He was thinking about himself.

At first, Peter hadn’t given Remus’ confession much thought. He had raised his brows and remained quiet because James and Sirius were already doing all the talking. What James and Sirius decided to be the correct opinion, was the opinion of the entire group. Peter didn’t need to say anything.

He had only started thinking about it more once he had noticed himself changing. At the end of fifth year, he had suddenly realised that throughout the year, he had been constantly searching a fifth year Hufflepuff boy with his eyes, trying to figure out a reason to talk to him just to hear his voice, and hopefully he would smile at Peter in the way he smiled at his friends.

Now that the sixth year was getting close to Christmas break, Peter still hadn’t figured out if what he felt was mere curiosity or something else: something completely different that would radically change his view of himself. It almost felt like Remus’ confession had opened a gateway for Peter, and noticing the Hufflepuff boy had opened yet another gateway that led to other boys.

He had been looking at many more boys since the spring of their fifth year. He had also looked at Remus and wondered whether he honestly thought that Remus was cute and sometimes wanted to kiss him and touch him, or if it was just that he knew that Remus liked boys. That Remus had kissed boys. Maybe he wanted to kiss Remus so he’d know, kissing Remus might feel like he was also kissing all the other boys Remus had kissed.

Remus was sitting on his bed, his back arched and hair dishevelled from the way he kept running his fingers through it. He was currently rubbing the bridge of his nose, deep in thought, and Peter didn’t want to disturb him, but he no longer knew how to deal with the confusion that was churning in his gut.

“Remus?” he asked softly, giving Remus the option of ignoring him in case Remus was too busy.

“Hmm?” came Remus’ answer, although he didn’t move his eyes away from his Potions text.

Peter found himself nervously rubbing his hands together. Maybe he was about to make a mistake, but there was no one else he knew who could possibly help him.

“Can I ask you something?”

Remus took a moment to finish reading a sentence, then raised his eyes from the book and looked at Peter. Once he saw the way Peter looked, he closed the book and pushed it away from himself.

Peter wondered just how clearly his anxiety was showing.

“Of course,” Remus said and smiled.

Peter licked his lips and looked away. Remus’ smile was too gentle.

“I just,” Peter said, trying to settle down his nerves but failing. He kept fidgeting with his fingers. “How… Did you know… know that you like boys before you kissed one?”

His heart was beating loudly, and he was too nervous to look at Remus, but when Remus said nothing, he had to turn to look.

Remus was watching him with a faint frown on his face.

“I just,” Peter said, turning his eyes away again, “was wondering. Because. Is… How can you know?”

He could feel Remus’ eyes on him. He didn’t want to know what they saw.

He was suddenly unreasonably scared that Remus disliked him, didn’t consider him a friend at all. Was he allowed to ask Remus such personal questions? They were friends, but were they good enough friends?

He jumped when he felt his bed dip and turned to look at Remus who had sat down next to him, all gangly limbs and freckled face and the sun was making his hair shine. Suddenly, Peter couldn’t stop looking.

“This isn’t about me at all, is it?” Remus asked gently. He was serious, but there was a constant friendly smile on his face. “Is there something you have been try to figure out about yourself?”

Peter swallowed and nodded before stopping to consider if it was smart. He didn’t mind Remus knowing, but what if Remus would tell someone? He didn’t think Remus would do it on purpose, but what if he accidentally blurted it out?

Then he thought about how Remus had hidden his Lycanthropy for well over a year and continued denying it even after James and Sirius cornered him.

“Pete, are you wondering if you might like boys?” Remus asked.

Peter’s throat felt tight and he nodded again. Remus considered him for a while, his eyes soft and head tilted to the side. He was skinny and the fingers pressed against his chin were long. Peter glanced at his own chubby fingers, overwhelmed by the attention, wondering if his robes were doing anything to hide how big his belly was when he was sitting down.

“Why?” Remus asked and Peter whipped his head up, eyes wide. “I mean, what makes you think so? Do you have a crush on a boy?”

Peter shrugged because he wasn’t sure if he had a crush on Remus. He might have had a crush on Remus. It might have been a big crush. But he also couldn’t know, because how could he? He couldn’t know if he kept thinking about having Remus’ hands on his body because it was something different or if he really wanted to be touched by Remus and in return, touch Remus in his most intimate places.

“Remember when you had a crush on Mary Macdonald?” Remus asked then.

Peter frowned and thought about that. He had had a crush on Mary when they were younger, but it had also felt different. He didn’t know if it was different simply because he had been much younger and hadn’t thought about anything more physical than holding her hand and pecking her lips, or if it was different because he hadn’t had a real crush on her.

“Do you feel the same way about a boy?” Remus asked.

Peter looked at him. What confused him even further was that he and Remus were friends. Remus was his best friend, and he cared about Remus immensely. It was just that now it came with the added thoughts of wanting to be physically close to Remus, wanting to be seen by Remus and seen as something more than the fat friend. He wanted Remus to look at him and think that he was handsome and worthy of attention. He wanted Remus to see the him that was hidden under the vastness of his body.

It did sound like a crush, but it could have just been that he craved for a friend as close to him as James and Sirius were to each other.

“It’s different,” he said. “But I’m not sure.”

“How is it different?” Remus asked. “How did you know you had a crush on Mary?”

“I thought she was beautiful,” Peter said, cheeks burning, and he averted his eyes because Remus was much more beautiful than Mary. “I wanted her to notice me.”

“And how is it different with this boy?” Remus asked.

Peter bit his lip and glanced at Remus, who was still watching him with the same friendly smile on his face.

“I think,” he said even more quietly, “that I might want more.”

“More than just to be noticed?” Remus asked. “Do you mean that you’ve been thinking about kissing him? Maybe more than that?”

Peter lifted his head properly to look at Remus when he nodded. Remus’ smile widened. It was bright and crinkled the corners of his eyes, making his entire face glow.

“I’d say you definitely have a crush on him, then,” Remus said, sounding delighted.

“But how do I know I really want it?” Peter asked. “How can I know if I’ve never tried?”

Remus’ eyes went gentle.

“I think maybe you should try,” he said. “Do you know if he’s interested in boys?”

Peter had to avert his eyes again, and he wondered if maybe Remus could guess who he was talking about.

“He is,” he nearly whispered.

Remus was quiet. Peter was too nervous to look at him. Remus knew that Peter rarely wandered away from their friend group, so the chances of him knowing anyone other than Remus who also liked boys were slim. Remus knew exactly how hard it was for Peter to talk to new people, how hard it would be for him to make close enough friends with someone for them to reveal something so personal to him.

Remus shifted, and Peter kept his eyes on his lap.

“Peter,” Remus said, voice terribly gentle. “I don’t want to be presumptuous, but are you… are you talking about me?”

Peter dared to look up for just long enough to see that Remus had also averted his eyes and his cheeks were flushed. It didn’t make him feel better to know that Remus was flustered, because it could have meant anything. The most likely explanation was that Remus didn’t want to think about Peter in that way.

“Yes,” Peter said anyway, surprised by how loudly his voice came out. “But how do I know for sure?”

He turned his eyes to Remus just as Remus turned his head to look at him. Their eyes met, and Remus’ gaze was soft. He had an equally soft smile on his lips, and before Peter could try to draw conclusions, Remus reached out to take a hold of his hand. Remus pulled it towards himself, gently cradling it between both of his hands.

Peter’s heart was beating heavily. Remus’ skin was soft and warm, and his hands were bigger than Peter’s own. Having Remus hold his hand like that made shivers travel down his spine.

“Do you want to find out?” Remus asked quietly, cheeks and ears bright red.

“How?” Peter whispered.

Remus smirked quickly and squeezed Peter’s hand.

“How does this make you feel?” Remus asked. “Does it make you happy?”

Peter nodded, eyes wide.

“It makes me happy too,” Remus said quietly, then bit his lip.

Peter’s eyes dropped to Remus’ mouth. When Remus released his lower lip, Peter took a moment to appreciate how plump and red it was.

“What do you want to do, Peter?” Remus asked.

Peter turned his eyes up, finding Remus watching him. Remus looked nervous still, but now that Remus was holding his hand and throwing quick glances at his lips, it made Peter feel better. Remus was just as nervous as he was. Remus wasn’t overly confident like James and Sirius.

Remus felt homely.

“I want to kiss you,” Peter said, surprising himself with his boldness.

Remus looked startled, but then a bright smile spread over his lips.

“Are you sure?” Remus asked, smile getting wider and eyes clearly hopeful.

“Yes,” Peter squeaked, cheeks burning more intensely now that there was a chance that he might actually kiss Remus. He cleared his throat and said, “Yes, I’m sure.”

Remus let go of Peter’s hand with one of his own, then raised that hand to Peter’s cheek. He stroked his thumb over Peter’s chin and up to his cheekbone, then slid his hand farther back to cup Peter’s head.

“You’re so sweet, Peter,” Remus whispered, face so close to Peter’s that he could feel Remus’ breath on his lips.

They remained a hair’s breadth apart for what felt like forever, then Remus leaned forward and closed the short distance between them. Peter closed his eyes when Remus’ lips brushed over his own, his heart hammering in his chest, palms sweating, and Remus was kissing him.

Peter had never kissed anyone, and even if he and Remus would never kiss again and went back to being just friends, he was glad that Remus was his first kiss. Remus didn’t exude confidence and experience; his kiss was tender and heartfelt, but Peter thought it was also clear that Remus had kissed before. He hoped that his clumsiness wouldn’t be enough to push Remus away.

Remus pulled back, and Peter’s heart squeezed painfully. He swallowed and slowly opened his eyes to look at Remus, only to find Remus looking at him with a soppy smile.

“How do you feel?” Remus asked. “Did that help? Do you feel more confident about your crush?”

Peter nodded and licked his lips. Remus’ eyes dropped down at the movement, although he quickly looked up again.

“Peter,” Remus said. “If you would have me, I would really like to date you.”

Peter’s jaw dropped. Remus had indicated that he was interested, but a part of Peter had still been expecting this to be just one kiss to clarify things for Peter, after which they would go back to being friends, who now simply knew something new about each other.

“I would like that,” Peter said breathlessly.

Remus’ smile widened. He combed his fingers through Peter’s hair.

“You’re so cute, Pete,” he said, and his eyes were sparkling.

Peter didn’t know what to say or do. One of his hands was still being held by Remus, so he cautiously turned it and laced their fingers together. Remus’ face seemed to brighten even more, although Peter had thought that impossible.

They sat there for a long time simply looking at each other. Remus’ blush was starting to recede, but Peter’s cheeks were still burning. Remus had called him cute. It wasn’t exactly what he’d really like to be, but it was also a lot more than he had thought he’d ever get. And being cute wasn’t bad either.

Remus sighed and said, “I need to return to Potions.” He looked genuinely sorry. “But before that, can I kiss you again?”

“Yes,” Peter said immediately.

Remus chuckled softly, and without further ado, leaned closer to press their lips together again.

This kiss was more than the first one. The press of Remus’ lips was more insistent, and soon Peter felt Remus lick over his lips. Peter wasn’t sure what to do, so he opened his mouth hoping for the best, immensely relieved when that seemed to have been the right thing to do. Remus’ tongue dipped inside, licking over Peter’s lips and tasting his tongue, and Remus hummed into it all, a pleased sound that made Peter’s toes curl.

But Peter was still unsure what to do. Remus’ tongue was in his mouth and Remus’ hand was grasping his hair, and he was starting to get overwhelmed with it all, unable to decide whether it was acceptable for him to touch Remus back and if so, where he should place his free hand.

Remus pulled back from the kiss just enough to mumble against Peter’s lips, “It’s okay, Pete. Just relax. You’re doing fine.”

Remus pressed their lips together, more slowly this time. After a moment’s hesitation, Peter lifted his hand and warily placed it on Remus’ shoulder. Remus smiled, breaking the kiss for a bit, then attempting to continue, but his smile wouldn’t go away. Eventually, Remus pulled back and looked at Peter, lips shining with saliva.

“I like you, Pete,” Remus said. “I like you very much.”

His smile was infectious, and soon Peter found himself smiling as well. Remus kept leaning in for small pecks, but neither could contain their smiles enough to kiss properly. Peter revelled in feeling Remus so close to him, feeling the warmth of his body next to himself, Remus' fingers massaging his scalp and Remus’ smiling lips pressing small kisses all over his face. Peter tentatively slid his hand from Remus’ shoulder down his arm, then up again, fingers finding the fair hairs at his nape.

Focusing on his hand’s trail had finally tamed Peter’s smile, and once Remus had calmed his as well, they kissed again, just as deeply as before, and Remus coaxed Peter’s tongue into his mouth.

Remus told Peter he needed to get back to studying but kept getting distracted by the kisses, and if they had to jump apart with guilty looks on their faces when the dormitory door opened and James and Sirius strode in, then that is a story for another day.

**Author's Note:**

> I've never really thought about Peter. Now I have.
> 
> I only wrote this because I thought it would be cool to have written Remus with each of the Marauders at least once, and I was surprised by how cute this turned out.
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/mean_whale) \- [my writing list](https://mean-whale.dreamwidth.org/557.html) \- [other social media](https://mean-whale.carrd.co)


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